me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Randomize
