Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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