i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
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make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
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As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
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