ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
