It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
