I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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