There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
