I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
