Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
