Since when is my name a synonym for head?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
