How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
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