I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
