I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
