why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
