I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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