does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
she pinky promised me she was 18
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
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