i need an iv and a liver transplant
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Randomize
