I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
