i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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