Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
