I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
