ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Randomize
