Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
