I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
