Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Randomize
