I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I want to have your abortion
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
