phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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