Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
she smelled like a LAN party
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
