...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
