2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
