it wasn't lemon gatorade
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
