hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Every concussion has its silver lining
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
