I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
