My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
