just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
