we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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