After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
