I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
being pregnant is like rehab
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
