Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I just want nice things and good sex
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
