Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
