Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Randomize
