woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
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