I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
