My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
