Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Randomize
