what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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