Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
