Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
