My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Randomize
