college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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