eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
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