what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
