Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
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He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
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I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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