it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
honey bunches of taint.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
