my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
