I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
