No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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