Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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